//. walkAWAY*

Saturday, February 17, 2007

i noe i shouldnt be posting at a time like tiz..
i should have taken more time into thinking abt tings i haven done..
like those proposal schedule n stuffs..
but i am really taking in alot of stress..
n i dunno how to say it out to others..
so i guess i'm juz putting it here..
at least tiz is a place for me to put my heart down..
or at least calm myself for a few moments..
i have been feeling veri stressed up..
its juz not a veri nice feeling..n 2dae..
was frm bad to worse..if i nvr post tiz here..
it might happen again..i dunno y..
but i still cant help tinking abt myself..
myself being such a bloody failure..
feeling ever so small and useless..
not everybody is given a chance to be a leader..
but i was given twice..once in scouts..
and now.. as an in-charge for telematch..
but i nvr lead well..in fact..
i wasnt even fit to be leading..
sec sch i tot everyting the tcher said was correct..
so i had to do the stuffs tt tcher told me to do..
when i spot the potential of a problem coming up..
i nvr voiced out.. or at least.. told any1..
n sum1 told me to voice out my views..
all i did was to only observe..observe and tink..
budden nvr got to act..
i only realised after scouts fell tt i failed as a leader..
sum1 told me that.. i should have been a better leader..
he was totally disappointed in me..
saying that i was only taking a post of a leader as a tcher's pet..
only when i realised wat i did was wrong..
teck whye scouts fell in my hands..
for tiz time.. i was veri motivated to make tiz telematch a success..
coz i wanted to avoid my mistakes..
make do for the better..i decided to voice out..
but almost everyting i voiced out was rebuttled..
n i tot tt e seniors did it b4..since they say cannot means cannot..
but my heart is also divided into 2..
i kept telling myself tt i should fight it out for wat i tink..
but on the other hand..they r seniors after all..
comparing experience.. they still r over me..
when e seniors told me wat i should do..
i realised tt i spent too much time tinking abt too many stuffs..
maybe i should juz follow their style n get tiz over n done with..
but with tiz.. i juz couldnt put down my pride..
i noe i dun deserve to say the word pride..
but i juz cant keep tinking abt e words tt person told me..
if i were to follow it now..how am i different from who i was..
i wanted to be a gd leader..
sum1 who is able to make wise decisions..
sum1 who others can see me as a gd leader..
but i juz realised tt i juz am not cut out to be a leader..
coz wat i tink is tt a leader is sum1 who is a gd follower..
which i ordy am not doing well..
a leader is sum1 who is able to organise stuffs well..
detailed and do tings equally..
but i personally feel that i failed terribly in tiz as well..
i nvr completed the proposal..
outdoor game reports i only done a few..
for camp treasure hunt..
i did nuts!! its as if i nvr did anyting at all..
i juz dunno how to face waimeng n audrey..
they did most of e stuffs..
but all i did was to look at it.. agree with them..
i nvr did a single shit in it..n for now..
since they r ordy finishing the report..
i feel tt it isn't appropriate for me to say the report is mine..
dun mention mine.. i dun even tink its ours..
its juz waimeng n audrey's work..for me..
i juz tink tt e most i can do is to help out in equipments..
tts for me to repay them back..
i really dun wish to be sum1 who takes their work for my own..
so i am stuck to whr i am now.. i dunno whether i should continue anot..
i juz wished i knew..
i oso realised tt i gave too much work to others as well..
like xiu zhen.. i really felt sorry for her..
coz i really dunno whr i can help her..
though she nvr complained.. but i noe its hard..
n those who got scolded by seniors for some reason..
i muz really apologise tt i nvr updated them =/
but for some reason..
i juz hoped that wat i wun put too much stress on them..
coz since tiz is a moment tt we should treasure each other..
y make it such tt every1 is stressed up n unhappy..
but i guessed tt tiz reason was a really stupid 1..
so frm now on..
i juz follow the senior's back..
n i tink its best not for me to voice out..
coz now no time..
e more i try to voice out..
e more time we waste..
so might as well do wat they wan n juz throw tiz aside..
coz i most prob wun wanna care abt tiz anymore..n for a moment..
i was still wondering y i agreed to be in the interim committee..
but since i agreed..
there's no reason for me to turn back now..
but frm now on..
i tink i still stick to being a follower..

12:55 AM...walkAWAY